


How Karkat Vantas Learned to Stop Worrying and Be the Bomb

by Vintar



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Homestuck Shipping Olympics, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2017-11-10 00:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/460170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vintar/pseuds/Vintar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>MY RHYMES ARE NOT DOPE.<br/>I MEAN, I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT THEY'RE NOT?</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Karkat Vantas Learned to Stop Worrying and Be the Bomb

**Author's Note:**

> For the Homestuck Shipping Olympics 2012, round one: gambling!

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
yo i need you to teach me some of your freaky alien language  
GOOD FUCKING MORNING TO YOU, TOO.  
OH, I'M FINE, AND YOURSELF?  
GREAT. IT'S LOVELY HAVING SUCH A BRILLIANT CONVERSATIONALIST ON BOARD.   
are you done yet  
I'M ALL TOO HAPPY TO DROP MY IMMENSE KNOWLEDGE ON YOUR FRAGILE HUMAN THINKPAN LIKE A SHOE ON AN UNSUSPECTING AND PARTICULARLY DIM SPIDERBEAST, BUT WHY NOT ASK ROSE OR KANAYA?  
every time i ask the sisterhood of the travelling hands they whip out the troll fabio  
there are some things that man is not meant to know and how to spell throbbing manhood in more than one language is one of them  
WHY NOT TEREZI?  
her honour vice executive chancellor of can town her excellency the law pyrope isnt back from her life affirming meteor roadtrip with the mayor yet  
besides its kind of a surprise for her  
WHAT IS?  
JUST AS A WARNING, IF YOU'RE WRITING HER POETRY, I'M GOING TO COME AROUND TO YOUR ROOM AND BE VIOLENTLY SICK INTO YOUR SHOES.  
no way man its not poetry  
what kind of guy do you think i am  
okay don’t answer that  
karkat  
i know that youre typing  
jesus christ stop typing i dont care  
just ctrl x ctrl v everything from your text box to your why dave sucks spreadsheet and teach me  
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. I DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE.  
look just give me four letters so i can start looking shit up myself and ill leave you in whatever your version of peace is  
OKAY, DEAL.  
what does a k look like  
HALF DOWN, FULL UP.  
a  
LEFT LEAN, HALF DOWN, FULL UP.  
and a r and a t  
OKAY, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SPELLING MY NAME?  
who says thats your name  
maybe i just want to spell cart really badly  
FUCK YOU, THAT'S CLEARLY MY NAME.  
whatever you say kart  
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE UP TO.  
KEEP IN MIND MY PREVIOUS WARNING RE: SHOES, MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF BILE-LACED VOMIT.  
look its not poetry   
WHAT, THEN?  
a rap  
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?  
im not even going to dignify that with a response  
spitting fresh rhymes is a noble tradition for my people  
i come from a long line of dope motherfuckers  
IT'S ALL JUST WORD GAMES FOR EASILY ENTERTAINED WIGGLERS.  
THE FAT CAT CULLED ITSELF VIOLENTLY WITH A HAT, WHATEVER.  
ANYONE CAN DO IT.  
yeah no i think you just proved yourself wrong there  
WHAT? FUCK YOU.  
you need art in your heart kart  
MY BLOODPUSHER IS FULL OF  
UH  
don’t hurt yourself there man  
TRANSLATED ALTERNIAN PHRASES DON'T RHYME WELL, OKAY?  
THAT DOESN'T MATTER. WORDS ARE THE ELOQUENT OCEAN THROUGH WHICH I SWIM, AND I CAN PULL YOU UNDER THE SURFACE ANY DAY.  
im not fighting an unarmed man  
that shit is downright cruel  
hilarious but cruel  
i tell you what go practice for a day or two then show me what you got  
you hold your own and ill leave tz and you alone until you sort your shit out with her hows that sound  
thats gotta make your ndrangle spreadsheet tingle  
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. I DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE.  
uh huh  
AND WHAT WOULD YOU GET OUT OF THIS IF YOU WERE TO HYPOTHETICALLY WIN? WHICH YOU WON'T.  
good question  
okay ive got it  
i want to meet your pet boyfriend clown  
WHAT.  
weve been on this rock for a year and shits got kinda repetitive  
whats a better way to spice it up than to meet a serial killer  
the most interesting thing ive done all week has been trying to fold the perfect newspaper hat for the mayor  
dude has such a round little head i need to bust out some serious physics equations to keep them from sliding right off  
too bad stephen hawking doesnt exist anymore i need to get him on the phone for this project  
I'M NOT BETRAYING MY MOIRAIL TO PLAY A WORD GAME.  
bok bok bkawww  
WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE. ARE YOU HAVING SOME SORT OF SEIZURE?  
a seizure of victory maybe  
you know youre gonna lose  
thats okay dude we should all embrace our flaws and being a weaksauce rapper just happens to be one of yours  
FUCK YOU.  
YOU KNOW WHAT, IT’S A DEAL. THAT SENSATION YOU CAN FEEL IS YOUR OWN CRUSHING LOSS RUSHING TOWARDS YOU.  
the only sensation i can feel is pins and needles from sitting on my ass listening to you for so long  
later alligator  
btw you can have that one for free  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

**  
**

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]  
GAMZEE  
GAMZEE, IF YOU'RE THERE, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.  
oh woah, hey there best friend.  
I JUST FINISHED UP HERE, SO I'M GOOD AND FREE TO GET MY LISTEN ON.  
WHAT ARE  
NO, I KNOW, I WON'T ASK.  
I JUST WISH I KNEW WHAT YOU WERE UP TO.  
hahaha no you don’t bro.  
:o)  
YOU DO REALISE THAT SMILEY FACES DON'T MAKE THINGS LIKE THAT ANY LESS CREEPY, RIGHT?  
:o(  
ANWAY, I HAVE A TERRIBLE CONFESSION TO MAKE.  
I SOLD YOU OUT.  
I MADE A BET WITH STRIDER, AND IF HE WINS, HE WANTS TO MEET YOU.  
I'M THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT MOIRAIL TO EVER GRACE THE QUADRANT. I'M SO SORRY, GAMZEE.  
woah  
WHAT'S THE BET?  
IT'S KIND OF  
SORT OF  
A RAP BATTLE.  
oh, motherfucker.  
THIS SHIT  
is  
ON.  
>:o)

 

 

Walking past an open doorway and hearing Karkat muttering to himself was an occupational hazard of life on the meteor, akin to being roped into Can Town ceremonies as LOC4L FL4VOUR or accidentally blinding yourself on Kanaya. Still, the particulars of the muttering made Rose peer around the doorframe.

"I hook up the computer to the router to play a shooter." Karkat glared at the computer for a moment, and then spun on his heel, marched over to the bookshelf, and snatched up a romance novel. "I took a look at a book," he declared to the world. "It is hideous gobbledygook!"

By the time that Rose had found Kanaya and returned, he had moved on to berating the ceiling for being unappealing.

"Is it a troll thing?" Rose asked.

"If it is, it is specific to his caste."

Across the room, a pair of chairs was moved from here to there.

Kanaya frowned. "And it would certainly explain why they were culled."

In general, Rose was a fan of a well-placed clearing of the throat. One could get amazing results from such a little noise. It communicated a lot: I have been here, watching you, and now I wish to make my presence known while you reflect on what I may have seen.

In addition, it could also be used in a somewhat blunter fashion. On hearing her cough, Karkat jolted in surprise, tripped over a plug lying on the rug, and fell into the nearest pile of cushions. Rose and Kanaya advanced on him cautiously.

"Karkat," Kanaya said carefully, "are you feeling well?"

He glared upside-down at her. It was not a very intimidating glare, as glares went, due to the tassel that was half-lodged up his nose. "Not after you gave me a fucking heart attack, Troll House M.D."

"No strange compulsions? Delusions?" She made a vague gesture. "Creeping mental instability?"

He sighed. "You have met me before, right? That's the citizenship requirement in Vantasland. Look, I have to go."

Rose raised an eyebrow as he scrambled out of the pile. "To watch a show?"

"To do... stuff."

"That sounds tough," Kanaya offered.

Karkat stared at them for one long moment, then bolted.

"Well," said Kanaya. "That was unexpected. Perhaps not the fact that he appears to be having a breakdown, but the particulars of it, at least."

Rose picked a piece of paper up from the cushion pile. "I think something fell out of his pocket."

"Aha. A clue."

Rose unfolded it. "It appears to be... a list of words that rhyme with bulge?"

"Is that all?"

She turned it around. "And a list of words that rhyme with nook, as well. I see."

Kanaya stared. "Do you?"

"No," Rose admitted. "Not really."

"Me neither," Kanaya said.

 

 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]  
IT'S NOT WORKING.  
I PRACTICED LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO, BUT MY RHYMES ARE NOT DOPE.  
I MEAN, I'M NOT EVEN ENTIRELY SURE WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT THEY'RE NOT?  
aww cmon bro just be confident.  
YOU'RE GETTING YOUR PAN ALL TWISTED UP IN KNOTS.  
that shit has to flow from your heart. :o)  
WHAT YOU'RE OVERLOOKING HERE IS THAT MY HEART IS NOT KNOWN FOR ITS AMAZING WORDSMITHERY.  
THE DAY THAT MY HEART FILLS IN A CROSSWORD OR PENS A TOUCHING LIMERICK IS THE DAY THAT I WILL HAND OVER THE REINS AND TRUST IT TO CONSTRUCT RHYMES FOR ME.  
i don't know about all that, maybe you just ain't met the right crossword yet?  
GAMZEE.  
:o)  
):<B  
okay, you're going to have to help me out with that motherfucker.  
ARE YOU ALL UP AND EATING A CONE OF FROZEN GRUBCREAM UPSIDE-DOWN?  
FUCK, NEVERMIND.  
LOOK, I'M DOOMED. I'M NEVER GOING TO WIN THIS THING. IT WILL BE ANOTHER CRIPPLING EMBARRASSMENT ON THE LONG LIST OF CRIPPLING EMBARRASSMENTS THAT COMPRISES MY LIFE.  
I WOULD SAY PRESENT COMPANY EXCLUDED, BUT, WELL.  
honk.  
EXACTLY.  
SEE, LOOK AT THAT. I'M NOW FLUENT IN HONKS.  
YOUR MOIRAIL IS SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU PREPARE FOR WHAT THE WORLD MIGHT THROW AT YOU. SO FAR THE ONLY CHALLENGE YOU'VE READIED ME FOR IS IF WE'RE CONTACTED BY AN RACE OF INTELLIGENT GEESE AND SOMEONE IS NEEDED TO TRANSLATE.  
HAHAHA  
well you never know what the motherfucking universe has in store for you!  
YOU ARE LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEONE COLLECTED ALL OF THE SHITTIEST FORTUNE COOKIES IN THE WORLD AND ARRANGED THEM INTO THE SHAPE OF A CLOWN.  
I JUST  
WHEN CAN WE SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN?  
aww, best friend, you'll know when it's time.  
THE MOTHERFUCKING UNIVERSE WILL LET YOU KNOW THE PERFECT TIME FOR US TO GET OUR MEET ON.  
it's serendipity, you and me.  
ME AND YOU. :o)  
WELL, CAN SERENDIPITY HELP ME PRACTICE FOR THIS FUCKING THING?  
don't worry, bro, i've got your back.  
I CAN DROP SOME SECRET KNOWLEDGE STRAIGHT INTO YOUR HOT LITTLE HANDS.  
REALLY?  
hahaha, sure thing!  
THE ULTIMATE RULE FOR KEEPING IT FRESH  
YES?  
the one true secret   
FOR GETTING YOUR RAP ON  
YES???  
has been inside of you all along. :o)  
terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT GAMZEE.

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING.  
OH THANK GOD.  
or... was i? ;o)  
terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

):<B

 

 

"Come on, dude, show me what you got."

****

"I fully intend to."

****

"Bring it."

****

"Consider it brought."

****

There was a long silence.

****

"Okay," Dave said, "one of the main things about bringing it is that you have to actually deliver. That's pretty much all that bringing it is."

****

"Fuck you," Karkat snarled. He eyed the chalk scrawl declaring the room to be _rapadox space_ , shuffled awkwardly for a moment, and then blurted: "And all those other yous, too. What I'll do to you, when you're through, it'll turn your dumbass cape from red to... blue?"

****

"Hey, there you go," said Dave. "Keep it going."

****

"I'll keep it going, all right, with my amazing rapping might. This fight tonight will be a downright delight."

****

"That sure was a collection of words. If Doctor Seuss wanted to write a diss track, you'd be the man he'd call. Gold star for effort."

****

"Let's see you do better," Karkat said, "Or was that all talk?"

****

"All talk? Man, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Gonna come at you faster than the autobahn, I'm god tier, motherfucker, part of the pantheon. I'm a phenomenon, going above and beyond, you want to take me? Dude, I'll be here with bells on." Dave peered at Karkat from over the top of his glasses. "You look a little pale there, man. Don't worry, that's a perfectly normal response to getting served."

****

Karkat rallied. "I'd say fuck _your_ hoofbeast ride, except thanks to you, it up and died-"

****

"And ain't that a point of pride? Started off as a thorn in the universe's side, then tanned its hide and hit my stride. Try to hitch a ride and I'll drop you by the wayside: always a bridesmaid, never a bride."

****

"I, uh." Karkat attempted to peek discretely at the contents of his pockets, a fundamentally impossible action.

****

"Cheat sheets? That's sweet. Go ahead, take a peek."

****

"Strider, you shit-eating asshole, stop enjoying this so much."

****

"No way," Dave said, wrestling with a grin and failing. "This is at least, like, five times better than newspaper hats. Maybe even six."

****

"Indulge in bulge... fuck." Karkat rummaged through his crumpled notes. "You think you're a hot shot, but you're fucking not... no..."

****

"So can we call this quits yet? Don't think of it as losing, think of it as a learning experience. One where you learnt about losing."

****

"Just one fucking minute!" Karkat dug more notes out from his pockets. Rhymes for _asshole_. Rhymes for _bulgebite_. An idea to rhyme _nookblister_ with _your sister_ , hastily crossed out after consideration of what said sister might do if she ever overheard it.

****

One of the folded-up notes wasn't familiar. Curiously, Karkat unfolded it, then immediately regretted doing so; a tiny flood of purple glitter streamed out on to his shoes.

****

honk. :o), the note read. Annoyingly enough, he knew what it meant.

****

"Well, thank you very much. Excellent advice as always," Karkat said to the note. He checked the back.

****

HONK. Do:< Was that... a sad face wearing some sort of fucking hat? God.

****

"You done?"

****

"Hang on," said Karkat, and breathed in deeply. "I'm looking inside my heart."

****

"Okay, why not. What's your heart got to say?"

****

Karkat breathed out.

****

"When it gets down to it, I'm full of shit. That's about the long and short of it. Tried to pretend that I wasn't a misfit, and look at all the good it did!"

****

"Woah."

****

"I kick up a racket, but when it comes down to it, I can't hack it. I tried to act it, but whatever a leader needed, I lacked it, and I way the fuck overacted."

****

"Dude."

****

"I'm the only troll alive who hasn't killed anyone! And you know what? Sometimes I wonder if I should've jumped on that asshole bandwagon! It's the sixty-four thousand boondollar question: if I'd jumped the gun and ended their run before they'd begun, taken that burden on, would it have saved someone? Would more of us made it to the sun?"

****

"Okay, you know what, you win." Dave started to back away. "Just stop doing whatever the fuck it is you're doing."

****

"And now I'm a fucking pile of emotional debris! It's not even about Terezi! Because I felt serendipity running like electricity through me! And the fact that Gamzee's not where he needs to be, right next to me, is killing me!"

****

"Ahem."

****

"And you, with your red cape and blood too-"

****

"I said, _ahem_." Rose leant in between the two of them.

****

"Oh, hey," Dave said. "We were kind of in the middle of something here. Karkat was in the middle of freaking out, and I was in the middle of leaving."

****

"Really."

****

"I'd say that you could take my place, but rapadox space is a holy place. You gotta make an offering of steaming hot ownage to enter here."

****

"I see. Let me try." She cleared her throat. "Now, for me it seems to be clear to see your problems vis-à-vis the insecurities you're currently subconsciously projecting re: your absentee camaraderies. I refuse to be an accessory to this despondency. Accordingly, let me give the third degree:

****

"Karkat, I have no information by any stretch of the imagination on your habits of conversation with the lurker on this station, so I run the risk of misinterpretation, but have you tried a renegotiation of your lines of communication? Dave, I suspect that your aggravation may stem from a frustrated inclination for nailin' your matron, and my recommendation is for the navigation of this depravation with illumination bought on through interrogation. In short," she said, "tell me about yo mama."

****

"Very good, Rose," Kanaya said politely. "Your flow was impeccable."

****

Dave stared at her. "How do you even know what that means?"

****

Kanaya shrugged. "It sounded like an appropriate thing to say."

****

"Okay," Dave said. "New rule of rapdox space: no Freud."

****

"Karkat?" Rose asked.

****

He exhaled shakily. "Every single thing I've done has been doomed to fail, and making him come would be a betrayal... but if there's one thing in the universe I want right now, it's my 'rail!"

****

Inside the walls, something went thump.

****

Rose cocked her head, listening, then put a hand on Dave's shoulder. "I think you should turn around." She rolled up her sleeve to the elbow. "Kanaya, I apologise in advance."

****

"For what?"

****

Rose slid Kanaya's shirt up and neatly hooked an arm through the hole in her middle, locking her in place. As she made an undignified noise, a nearby ventilation grate was kicked out from the inside.

****

"And this is serendipity, is it?" said Karkat.

****

"The universe works in wicked mysterious ways, brother," said Gamzee, and yanking him into a hug, pulled him inside the vent.

 

 

****

****

 

H3Y, W3R3 B4CK! YOU'LL N3V3R GU3SS WH4T 4M4Z1NG 4DV3NTUR3S W3 GOT UP TO--

  


****

 

****

M4YB3 W3LL JUST T3LL YOU L4T3R.

 

  


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****


End file.
